Post #98 - My Mother

*Update*

My mother recently suffered from a heart scare and was rushed, by ambulance, to a London hospital.  She was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, a condition which my husband also suffers from and given a raft of tablets to manage her health.  Obviously it was a shock for everyone, but she's feeling very self-pitying about it all and won't change her GP, however hard the family are trying to persuade her to.

The positive side of this recent occurance is that I'm now on better terms with various family members.
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I cannot recall whether I've previously written about my Mother's new obsession? Well, if I haven't, it's her recently acquired retired racing greyhound, a bitch that she re-named (in a non-gender specific way, Willow). Now that me and my brother are fully grown up (physically, if not mentally) and the grandchildren aren't quite as young, loveable and willing to be lectured by her, she clearly craved a new focus in her life.

Don't get me wrong, Willow The Dog is a beautiful creature - lean, glossy and with a lovely pair of silky ears. Shadow is, however, rather lively and at two years and nine months of age, took early retirement, due to being a bit of a slowcoach compared to her fellow Romford-based sighthounds on the race track. Willow does go absolutely crazy when people come and visit the house though, which means bolting up and down the room and rolling over on her back.  As she's classed as a big dog, it's all a bit overwhelming, especially as I'm used to owning cats, who, as a species, tend to ignore people anyway.  Actually, cats are an ideal pet for an Aspie, as they share many of the strange traits, are incredibly aloof and routine based. I did reinforce the need for Mother to obtain some forms of obedience training for Willow, but that didn't go down well as it was seen as a personal criticism.

I had a terrible tension headache building up throughout the visit. I mentioned over lunch, that we should plan a trip to see my Aunt P up in Hertfordshire, as she is in her eighties now and cannot live forever (unless she's a kind of home counties Methusalah). Mother remarked that her Cousin G hadn't spoken to her much since we declined his kind invitation to a Masonic Weekend in Oxford back in 2012ish, a time when he was the Grand Lodge Master (or whatever!) My stepfather, who has undiagnosed Asperger's in my opinion, can't cope with staying away overnight, and I can only do so with a certain amount of planning. The weekend was a social get-together of a Jewish Lodge, and I'm not a follower of that, or any other Faith.  There were also two, yes two, formal dinners, which necessitated the wearing of evening dress; I'm pretty sure that Birkenstocks aren't permitted to be worn with a ballgown.

On a lighter note, here are some pictures of my parents' garden:

Post #90 - Anxiety (Low Level Panic)

Being socially awkward as a result of both my upbringing and having Asperger's is a blessing and a curse. So far, this week I have attended a focus group, a seminar, an evening class and a trip to the see 'Beauty and the Beast' in 3D at my local cinema. Due to the unreliability of local bus services and Transport For London's frankly rubbish online tracking system, I also had to cancel a night out with a friend at the cinema (which is located at the end of an extremely trafficky route.)

Mind you, all this is nothing compared to the events which occurred in Westminster yesterday, so context is key.

Taking an increased daily dose 40mg instead of 20mg of Fluoxitine makes me feel as though there's an opaque wall surrounding me. I'm not sure whether it's really helping to combat the anxiety though?

Post #85: Getting Into A Routine

Well, my anxiety hasn't been too bad recently.  The keyboard course is working well, although I do find it rather difficult to understand at times because music study doesn't come naturally to somebody like me.  The WeightWatchers session wasn't as bad as expected, but I moved it to a Thursday morning session instead of a Wednesday early evening slot, which suited me much better.  The diet is really difficult to adhere to though as it's so darn low in calories.  Oh dear!

I saw a friend whom I used to work with the other day for a drink.  He now lives on the south coast, but I'd forgotten just how arrogant he was.  When I asked him whether I was deemed intelligent enough for him he shrugged and said "You're a lovely vibrant woman and great fun ..."

Damned by faint praise or what?

Post #84 - Anxiety in Aspies

Quite a few new things begin this week - firstly it's a 'Beginners' Keyboard' class tonight, which is taking place at my local Adult Education Centre.  Now, as much as I like music, I'm no flipping good at it and reading music is an anathema to me.  I'll give it a go though.

On Wednesday I have to attend WeightWatchers.  Being the comedy fan I am, I keep on imagining a class led by a Margery Dawes lookalike, but I doubt that it'll be half that amusing.  If I can lose some of my lard though, I'd be a happy porker.


Thursday's joy is the belated return of choir, after last week's cancellation due to the snowy weather.  As I've already written, I love singing, but the whole communal and social aspect of attending group activities is very difficult for me.

Finally(!) I was literally shaking earlier when dealing with a difficult situation on eBay.  I won't got into any further details, but it wasn't very nice and I've since deleted both the app and the related email account from my smartphone so that I don't have to receive the messages.

Post #46 - Dealing With Others' Expectation of Your Condition

In many ways I believe that Asperger Syndrome presents rather like Biopolar Disorder in so many ways, hence why loads of Aspies, especially female ones, were misdiagnosed with the condition in the past.  Why is that?  Well, now that spring's in the air and it's getting lighter in the mornings, my being feels much more energised, which is the total polar opposite of how totally drained I feel in October/November when the nights draw in there's very little natural light available.  I often have trouble sleeping, but luckily my handy Audible app is able to read to me during the small hours, failing that, I read the letters page of the Radio Times instead, as I find that particularly soporific and the levels of pedantry are unrivaled.

I am, by nature, a fairly fiesty person and don't have any issue in defending my own position in an eloquent, yet firm manner. I am a depressive, mainly because this, combined with it's evil twin, anxiety, is technically known as a 'co-morbid' condition to my primary diagnosis of AS.  I take SSRI medication to level my moods and whatever the pros and cons of the drugs involved, they do work for me, despite making me very tired indeed and unable to consume a great deal of alcohol(!)  Those who condemn clinical intervention are welcome to do so, but I don't think that it would be fair to those around me to leave my moods unchecked.  It's an old analogy, but would you really suggest to someone with a broken back that they should begin limbo lessons next term and just 'get on with it'?  You wouldn't?  Hmm.

I called a friend out last night (oh, how I'm enjoying using this American terminology!) when she visited and started condemning a colleague's husband for taking time off of work to deal with his work-based anxiety and depression.  Did she really and truly believe that the gentleman in question's GP would sign him off at the drop of a hat?  No?  Well, let me tell you, they don't tend to.  Gawd help my friend if she needs assistance during a personal crisis of her own then! Carry on being a martyr if you wish to, but don't feel the need to judge others who choose to have children and, horror of horrors, need to take their child(ren) to school or nursery before commencing work.  Maybe we all need to go back to a time when women were given their cards on marriage?  No, well, I thought not.

Post #12 - More Insomnia + Choir Musings

Oh for goodness sake, this is driving me crazy now. It's nearly 3:30am and I cannot sleep.  Again. Yes I know that I shouldn't be on a screen, but hey, writing's good - yeah?

I'm a member of a local choir. It's fun, I adore singing and was studying for my Grade 4 with the choir leader/music teacher until my fragile mental health forced me to stop. I started singing back in 2010; I used to sing in a church choir as a child but gave it up for decades. I began with a few beginners' group courses and then joined a central London choir for about eighteen months in total and then my work ensemble. Actually, I think I'll detail my experiences on one of my other (many) blogs.

Right: ASC. Singing's great for the soul, but I do struggle somewhat with the logistics involved. For example,  I walk the three miles there as I haven't driven for many years now because of extreme anxiety. I often get a lift back, but I don't wish to be a burden. The room itself, which is the music department of a grammar school can get very crowded and last week one of the other altos was behind me and her continual chewing and talking was vexing me. She's a nice woman and we've spoken many times; she even has a grandchild with ASC. It's not easy for me though as some of the other choristers are flat; this is because you don't have to audition to get in, which is a double-edged sword.

Oh dear, I sound like a right old moaner don't I? I'm not, honestly.