Post #180 - What I have been doing post redundancy - part one

So, it's 2016 and I'm no longer working as a civil servant; this is both good and bad.  Good because I have some kind of stability at home, but bad because my main sense of worth was achieved via my career.  On the very day the rock star Prince died, 21st April 2016, I had my first grand mal fit which was caused by a huge prescribed dose of Vitamin D mixed with my stomach acid medicine, Ranatadine.  I was rushed to hospital and given electrolytes to re-hydrate my system.  I was under the care of the neurologist for about five years, seeing him annually and having an ECG at King's College Hospital, but no problems were found.  I didn't suffer any further fits until July 2021, some five years later.  

Oh well.  I believe that it's later in 2016 when I make an attempt to join my local National Autistic Society (NAS) branch as a volunteer and end up creating their website.  The lady who taught me was lovely, was a cancer survivor, a great mum and an animal lover and I felt very welcome. Unfortunately, this lady was part of a sister charity and I didn't really like the NAS committee or the committee meetings because I found them to be both cliquey and disorganized - surely having huge swathes of paper littering up one's dining room table isn't particularly professional?  

So, after two or three months on the NAS committee I started to feel like a spare part.  I completed the first tranche of the website work and allowed Mr Logic, my husband, to show it to them as I felt too Aspie to attend that particular meeting.  I used a couple of open access Facebook pictures on there and Mr L said that two members of the committee hit the roof and asked me to take them down with immediate effect.  Quite frankly if you don't want your pictures used online then don't upload them to Facebook.  Me and Mr L resigned from the committee with immediate effect.  I also made a complaint to the Branch Officer regarding the shoddy way I was treated as an autistic woman.  She did nothing much about it.  

Post #121 - Asperger's And Me - Chris Packham's Documentary

I have just finished watching the documentary, which I enjoyed very much. Prior to me finding out that we share an Asperger's diagnosis, I had seen Chris Packham appear on various shows and particularly recall him saying on Room 101 that he threw away a series of children's drawings that he removed from a friend's kitchen. Bizarre.

Anyway, so many of Chris's oddities chimed with my own, although I have never eaten a tadpole, licked a beetle or practised kestrel husbandry.  Male Asperger's does project differently though.

As for the autism 'cures' over in the US, I don't really agree. There's also an interesting Louis Theroux documentary about the same subject area. It was sad, as a parent of an autistic son myself, to see a mother in pain.

My thoughts are that it's all very well to concentrate on an Aspergian's special qualities, but let's be frank, nobody really wants to employ you, do they?  Most of us are devoid of work.  A greater understanding of Autism/Asperger's is definitely required, but from previous experience I know that this can be difficult.  I will try to make it my life's work(!) to educate and inform people as much as I can, this is the main reason why I write this blog.

Post #117 - Volunteering Woes

As regular readers may be aware, that since May, I have been working as the volunteer communications officer in the local branch of my chosen charity. This involves drafting the monthly newsletter plus creating and webmastering the new online presence (the website).  My problem is that I'm not a perfectionist by nature and never have been, nor intend to be. This does cause a few issues in regard to working alongside more picky or strident people, as happened during my career quite a few times - it's those Belbin Team roles thing again!  I also take criticism badly and extremely personally.  I suppose that being an autistic female I should understand things a little better, but believe me, most people thing seem to think that I'm wholly unaffected by the condition. I'm really not and my autism tends to come out more in certain environments.  Often I feel that I just don't know the right way to do things at times; dealing with slightly sensitive topics such as disability means that I'm inclined to put my huge size 9 feet in certain places I should not.

It doesn't mean that I want to give up though - I really don't and plan to try to make a difference somehow.  It's just so hard for me - at least I was actually paid money to deal with this kind of thing during my career, now that I'm doing it for free it seems to piss me off so much more.

*Update* - 4th October 2017

Due to the fact that I couldn't really see what the build site looked like on the world wide web, I published the website live last week.  Apart from my husband (and now the bloggersphere, such as it is) I have told nobody.    The committee meeting is tomorrow morning ...

I am planning to emigrate tonight.

*Update* - 22nd October 2017

Both myself and my husband quit the charity last Thursday.  Apologies if my rather abrupt communication style and blog upset anyone - I really didn't mean to.  Thank you to the Branch Officer too - you were great.

Post #113 - Just Dance, Websites and Being Rather Silly

I'll admit it - I'm not the world's most diligent person - half the time I'm not sure whether it's the SSRI antidepressant medication that I'm taking or the fact that I'm a natural sloth?  Anyhoo, I'm currently forcing myself to work out on the Wii using the Just Dance series of games which I purchased second-hand from the CEX Entertainment Exchange shop (yes, I always cringe when I have to use that particular acronym - it's a bit like being back at school ...)

I'm also designing a website for my local branch of NAS, which a really helpful member of a sister charity has set up for me.  I have to show it to the committee on Tuesday morning, but I'm having a bit of a play on the biography section at the moment:

Yes, I am a very silly person at times.

Post #110 - Local Adult Autism Support Groups

There are quite a few groups pertaining to support autistic adults dotted around the UK, many are quite scattered and slightly random.  My neighbouring borough places them all under the umbrella of the National Autistic Society (NAS), but ours doesn't and seems to split the 0-25 age group and the 25 and upwards.  Fair enough - each to his or her own. 

My borough has one that covers much of south-east London and the main aim seems to be that it's an environment to bring adults with autism together in a convivial environment twice a month.  Last night I went to my first peer discussion group with two hats on (not literally - it's far too hot at the moment to wear one, let alone two pieces of headgear ...) and despite feeling a tad nervous beforehand, really enjoyed it. The first metaphorical hat was that I wished to write a small piece for the NAS monthly newsletter and the second hat was representing myself, as a slightly socially excluded Aspergan.

It was pleasant to meet my former Aspies and Auties (or whatever people wish to class themselves as, if indeed they do.)  I can also be as geeky as I want without the need to censor myself.  Huzzah.

Post #103 - Joining The Committee

I have just become a member of my local autism committee and I'll be responsible for communications! Yay!  I desperately needed a purpose in my post-redundancy existence and this is it. I have, however, sat on (not literally ...) at least two committees before, so let me tell you all about my past experiences.

When I was pregnant with Master Logic (well, I have only been pregnant once, so of course it was with him ...) me and [my husband] Mr Logic signed up for antenatal classes at our local branch of the National Childbirth Trust (NCT). They were pretty rubbish by the way and if your idea of fun is replicating the experience of changing a small baby's nappy by cleaning English mustard off of a doll's rear end using cotton wool and water, then go ahead - it'll only set you back £400 or whatever the retail price rise is.  Anyway, I joined the local committee and soon rose to become joint chair (in reality, I don't think that anyone else was interested in the position).  I think that I only served for about six months though because I returned to work part-time in London when Master Logic was eleven months old and no longer had the time and energy to put into the role.  I didn't regret throwing in the towel, as it just wasn't me anyway and I'll be brutally honest, the sheer lack of any semblance of humour about anything was just grinding me down.  There was a very funny moment at a 'Nearly New Sale' though.  We were cleaning out the fridge at the end of the session and there was a tub of Olivio Spread left - the former chair's long-haired middle class son uttered: "that's not ours mummy - we don't have butter substitutes in the house!"

When Master Logic was in Reception Class at his current primary school, the Chair persuaded me to join the Parents' Association Committee (our school doesn't have a PTA and I've never fully got the bottom of why the teachers aren't involved ...?)  I stayed for about three years, but I cannot, hand on heart, say that I enjoyed helping out at any of the events though, as I always found it an awful trial.  A number of parents in the school couldn't be bothered to join the committee or help out at all, but felt justified in moaning about costs and believing that the volunteers were there to provide free childcare whilst they sat around on their lazy bottoms and perused their bejewelled smartphones.  I'm no burning martyr, so sod that for a game of soldiers.  I must admit that one of my pet hates in life is being scolded by a person who didn't provide me with enough guidance to start off with.  How about giving me the correct instructions at the beginning of the event and not fanny around, eh? Also, a fellow parent pushed me out of the way when I was trying to look at the collection (parliament?) of owls somebody was exhibiting at the Summer Fete.   Sod that.  I resigned after the Christmas Concert Incident of 2013 and have never returned.  My husband Mr Logic, remains the treasurer though.

Post #102 - Trying To Work Out Peoples' Motives

Being the huge Aspie I am, I often struggle with trying to work out what people actually want from me.  I know that that sounds bizarre, but meeting, maintaining and quite frankly, keeping friends is an almost impossible feat for me.  I just cannot work out the signals.  I also write in an increasingly blunt way, with no heed for others' feelings.

One of my main issues surrounds my increasing inability to support friends with Mental Health (MH) issues.  As an Aspie, my empathy (EQ) score is really low and I just cannot do it.  I have had some awful experiences in the past with people (usually with MH conditions) getting too close and literally trying to take over my life.  As soon as I think that history is beginning to repeat itself then I'll push things to facilitate a permanent split.  It's an odd thing to do, I agree, but it's the only thing that I feel safe doing. I don't wish to upset my current home situation, that's for sure.  My son Master Logic, now he's nearing puberty, is becoming more difficult and demanding by the day.

I know that, at this time of writing, that I really should be doing more with my life and I totally agree.  I have seriously been considering a return to full-time work, but regular readers of this blog will be aware what happened to me back in September 2016 and I have no wish to repeat this.  Office jobs and working with people generally makes me very unwell indeed and I lost count of the amount of times I went AWOL from jobs - I was threatened with dismissal on more than one occasion.  I just cannot cope.

I'm taking on various freelance projects at the moment, which I enjoy and I'm soon to taking over some of the communications work for my local branch of the National Autistic Society and hope to expand that as much as I possibly can.  I am intelligent and as such, need an outlet.  It doesn't really help that I was made redundant though; don't get me wrong, it was the right thing to do, but I'm so much better than this, but I cannot be - it's a dichotomy.

Post #84: January

I don't really do a great deal these days, mind you, who does in January?  I am getting more and more insular though - actually mixing with people is getting increasingly difficult.  I did get out and about a little on Wednesday and attended the local NAS Coffee Morning.  The place smelt strongly of floor cleaner/disinfectant and I can always hear other people's loud conversations, however hard I try not to.  In the afternoon I moseyed over to another local disability charity's AGM and it was good to hear about all of the good work that they're carrying out in the community.

Post #40: Lack Of Detail

Yeah, it's me and I'm moaning again - sorry!  I just feel like I have to vent it out on someone and well, the interweb's a good place for that kind of thing because nobody pre-judges you (that bit's a joke by the way, of course they do!)

My email to a council employee explains in greater detail.  I've redacted anything specific:

Carers' Conference - Friday, 16th January: Feedback

Hi XXXX,

Thank you for your invitation to the Carers' Conference which was held today.  Unfortunately I turned up at 11:30, believing the 'Conference' to be more of a 'wander around the various stalls and talk to people event' and not a 'sit down in the Council Chamber and listen to professionals giving PowerPoint presentations'.  Re-reading the A4 Word background document, as did my husband, we concluded, a former XXXXX ourselves, that there just wasn't enough clarity concerning this issue.  For example, I'd always structure an Conference agenda in this way:

10:00 - Registration/Coffee

10:15 - Opening Address - Her Worshipful, The Mayor of XXXXX

10:45 - First speaker etc

This format is also useful to those of us accessing the attachment via a smartphone app as it's extremely clear.  Also, the use of a structured format and plain English encompasses the needs of people with conditions such as Dyslexia and Dyscalcula as well as those on the Autistic Spectrum.  

I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome myself last year following my son's diagnosis, via XXXXX NHS Trust, back in 2011.  As you can imagine, I'm very interested to get involved in the Special Needs Sector.  Both myself and my son experience extreme social anxiety and tools such as background documents/structure etc are essential elements to allow us to function.  The National Autistic Society (NAS) encompass this extremely well in regard to the background material they provide pertaining to their annual 'AutismCon' events and a former colleague of mine sits on the organising committee.

Yours sincerely

(F)Aspie

Post #38 - Better and (Un)Twisted!

I am starting to feel much better about myself, which is great.  The weather's getting cold (brrr!), but it is the middle of the winter in the UK.  As for me, well, let's just say that I'm reaching out and trying to do more.  Tomorrow I'll try to attend the monthly NAS Coffee Morning and maybe Choir in the evening?  Friday, I'm planning to go to a Carers' Conference which is being held in the Council Offices and then Saturday - London.  Yes, the smokin' Metropolis, somewhere I haven't been since early November.  I've even signed up to a short Creative Writing Course - the first session of which is being held next Tuesday afternoon.  I'm trying to follow my GP's advice about putting a routine back in place.  Watch this space!

Post #18 - Workplace Assessment, ICU, But At Least The Cat's Back

Today was my workplace assessment for autism via NAS.  The person doing the report was great, but like everything, it's often difficult to re-live some of your past life and career.  I provided a copy of both my NHS and private autism assessments, my CV which details all of my various job moves(!) plus a list of competencies, a detailed answer to the questions posed in the proforma and many other things.  Phew!  It was exhausting to say the least.  She spoke to me, my line manager and a colleague.  The report's due out in the next few weeks and I'll have to discuss the contents with my line manager whilst sitting down (well, she didn't overtly state sitting down, but you know what I mean - maybe a hot beverage?)

My BIL's been moved to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) because of his breathing.  He's in safe hands though and there isn't a great deal we can do.  My hubby's visiting him tomorrow.

Yay, my cat returned last night at approximately 20:08.  Hubby was collecting my son from Cubs and heard a pitiful meowing as they passed a neighbour's drive and lo and behold - there was a hungry black and white cat there.  I was very pleased to see her. 

Post #9 - Work Diversity Blog

This is a redacted version of a blog post I wrote for my employer's Diversity and Inclusion Campaign 2015:

*Edit* - I'm pretty sure that it never went out as I became too ill to participate in the campaign.  

Diversity Blog – Asperger Syndrome

I have been employed within the public sector for the last twenty-one years. My son had an early diagnosis of being on the Autistic Spectrum and then an additional assessment also noted he had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  Having seen his traits it finally dawned on me that maybe I was also on the Autistic Spectrum?  As time went on, I was inspired to seek my own formal medical diagnosis, obtained via the Occupational Health team earlier this year.

The support available to staff who have disabilities and long term health conditions and who are employed here is great. By attending the various internal support groups I have learnt so much more about all things disability now than I did, a year ago and my knowledge is increasing.  I enjoy taking a positive and proactive stance to ensure that the rights of disabled staff are respected as much as possible.  As well as the main network there are a number of sub-groups supporting specific communities, such as the Asperger Syndrome Group, which I chair and the associated Parents/Carers of Children with Autism, chaired a colleague.  In addition to this, as well as support for many other disabilities, there’s the Mental Health Group.  Depression often occurs alongside autism, because the brain struggles to process the world around you.  I had struggled in the past and the support I have received here from colleagues has been essential to my wellbeing.

Generally, we do a great job of supporting disabled staff, however, in my opinion, there is still room for improvement and quite a lot can still be done to make our workplace more disability accessible, both in terms of the awareness and understanding that colleagues have of the impacts of disabilities and long term health conditions on colleagues. For example, if you have autism, you can find it even more difficult to fully understand the unwritten rules of the workplace.  We often struggle to interpret the unwritten rules of the office and sometimes miss the point of what we are being told.

Whilst the term Asperger Syndrome no longer formally exists as a medical diagnosis, it provides those of us at work with a good terms of reference.  I particularly like the term ‘Aspie’ and I’ve written the first draft of An Aspie’s Guide To Social Media and am planning other additions to the list such as An Aspie’s Guide To Work and An Aspie’s Guide to Travel.  If my work helps other people in similar situations then I’m happy.  I’ve also made some great friends through the support network and as a result, will be getting more involved with volunteering for the National Autistic Society (NAS).