Post #119 - Socialising [Insert Excuse Here ...]

Back in May, when my husband and  me joined the committee of our local autism charity I wrote a blog post questioning how long I would last.  Well ... it's now October and I'm struggling. Without going into too much detail and outing anyone, the committee is not really prepared to  understand that autism exists in a) females, and b) into adulthood. This is a bit of a missed opportunity in my opinion.

I experience such profound issues with socialising that I actively avoid it. Yesterday, I was supposed to attend a meet up with a few former colleagues I worked with back in 1998-2000, but I just couldn't cope with entering a busy public house at 7:30pm on a Saturday night. Therefore I made an excuse. As for pootling along to a  committee Christmas do at a vintage tea room, that's a bit beyond me too - also, my dispraxia would mean that I'd probably break the chichi bone china crockery.

Edit: after sharing this post online via Facebook and Twitter, I received some feedback and I have just emailed the Branch Officer to seek her advice regarding the charity conundrum.  

Post #94 - The Reason Why I'm Currently Not Working

I know that I can be over-sensitive at times, but feel the need to take to my blog to defend my current employment situation. I took voluntary redundancy from the Civil Service in late April 2016 after suffering from the repercussions stemming from a serious 'depressive episode' in June 2014. In the fourteen or so months prior to that, I attempted and was repeatedly unable, to obtain a part-time flexible post. I declared my disability on the numerous application forms, which quite frankly can be a double-edged sword: you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Clearly, if you don't live with autism or with an autistic person than you cannot even begin to understand. Having Asperger Syndrome can equip you with a brain the size of a planet, but imagine having to think through every single thing you do - it's exhausting? The world's a difficult place and bring ultra sensitive to noise, light and the environment in general can be pure hell.

If you have a special needs child then working isn't a great option either as the sheer volume of appointments parents and carers need to attend makes taking huge swathes of time off problematic. I often get into conversation with a number of other parents at local support groups and they seem to be in the same position.

I would also like to clarify that I am not in personal receipt of any state benefit.

Post #75: Resources Plus Covering Letter

This is a redacted version of the covering letter I sent to my contact in Resources Plus (a council-funded scheme to get people off of the unemployment statistics/find new jobs etc ...)

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Hi [Name]

It was great to meet you last Tuesday and thank you for providing an overview of the work of Resources Plus.  As requested, I attach a copy of my CV, which, quite frankly is geared towards my previous career as a civil servant.  I'll flesh out the details a little more on xxxx, but basically, I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome last year following years of issues at work and in my personal life.  The knowledge that I do have the condition and how it limits everything has made it almost impossible for me to seek a suitable role.  I took voluntary redundancy in April after twenty-one years of working in the public sector - the highest grade I achieved was Higher/Senior Executive Officer.

I have attempted to obtain public service Agency Work, via Brook Street back in August and more recently, Adecco.  Brook Street put an awful lot of pressure on me to accept a totally unsuitable role, which included working in awful conditions with xxxxxxxxxxx.  I quit after seven days.  I'd ideally like to work part-time and flexibly, but no employer seems to be able to facilitate that.  Although I registered with Adecco back in September, I never heard back from them, despite their hollow promise that 'I had been fast tracked to the top of their temp list ...'

With all of this behind me, it's clear to me why I'm so disillusioned.  Also, any paid employment I obtain could affect the level of Disability Living Allowance I obtain on behalf of my son, who has Autism and ADHD.  In addition, my husband is a secondary carer for his Mother, who has dementia and lives in a residential home, and his Brother, who has profound learning difficulties, who resides in a different one.  This is the main reason why we both left successful careers in the Civil Service.  

All the best

Faspie

Post #22 - A (Working) Day In The Life (Of An Aspie) - The Morning: Part One

If people don't really understand how it feels like to be a working person with Asperger Syndrome combined with depression, I hope that these series of posts helps. I've split them into four because it's much easier to read and certainly less boring!  It's hard, it's so darn hard and I'm slowly becoming housebound as a result, but writing about my issues makes it much more cathartic.

It's a work day, I know this because I will have woken extremely early and lain in bed, the duvet clamped around me, like an oversized sausage roll. At 7:30 I'll get into the shower and wash, because nobody, I repeat nobody, wants a stinky colleague do they?  Teeth, make-up and dress - downstairs, coffee and breakfast. Usually my son is downstairs playing obscure YouTube videos on his pad - being autistic too, he's usually favouring something obscure, such as a series of the quiz Fifteen to One dating back to 1988.




At 8:12 precisely I'll leave the house and walk the thirteen minute journey to the station. I'll pass all of the parked cars which clog up my road because their owners are too mean to pay for the station car park.  En route, I'll try to avoid walking behind someone smoking a cigarette or in front of anyone with clacking heels - it's a sensory thing and it bothers me, although it wouldn't concern the vast majority of the population.

Arriving at the station I always stand in the most suitable space to be directly in front of the last carriage of eight's rear doors. I like to sit in the exact middle of the car, which is the facing window seat of the middle bank of the six seat set. This normally means that I'll not have to sit directly beside or opposite anyone and as my journey concludes at the London terminus, I'm not getting in anyone's way.  I'll listen to a podcast or an audiobook and if all else fails, I'll flick through a copy of the Metro.



The area I work in has been a gigantic building site for ages now and it's a really unpleasant environment as a result.  There are huge wire barricades here, there and everywhere and everybody's so pushy.  I follow the stream of commuter traffic along the road and then approach my building.  I used to be able to climb up to my floor, but my fitness level has decreased over the past year.

When I arrive at my allotted desk, I worry whether someone else may be sitting there.  It's situated in the middle of the work area away from any windows.  The desk I sit on is smaller than the standard work area and this means if anybody sits next to me that they'll be far too close and my whole left side will tense up as a result.  Considering all of this has happened prior to me even logging on, what hope is there for me as an employee?

I'm part-time and a flexible worker.  Does this mean that my immediate colleagues believe that I'm a lazy slacker as a result?

Post #10 - Mumsnet: Neurodiversity support thread: Women with suspected/self-diagnosed/diagnosed ASC & ADHD

Back in late 2013 when I was first trying to work out whether I had Asperger Syndrome I ventured upon a thread on Mumsnet and posted a few times under my old username.  I changed my username recently after the cyber attack on the site and because I wanted to be known by a different moniker.

Anyway, here's a link to the new thread: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_recommendations/2399562-Neurodiversity-support-thread-Women-with-suspected-self-diagnosed-diagnosed-ASC-ADHD?msgid=56752860#56752860  I'm finding it an absolutely excellent source of support.  There are a number of amazing posters on there and the way I learn about everything Aspie is to read recommended textbooks, blogs and forum posts.  It's ironic in many ways, since being diagnosed as an Aspie I can't get enough of reading about the condition and how it affects people, especially women.

I've never really known what I wanted to be in life - some people knew at school that they wanted to be a nurse/bus driver/builder etc or go into the family business, but believe me when I tell you that I never really did.  Like many people growing up in the 1980s, we inputted our details into a huge computer and the associated print out suggested that we may wish to be a bramble picker or a shop assistant.  I drifted into a career in the public sector, but it wasn't a great fit for me.  Now, I know that I want to work in the field of Autism in some way.

Post #3 - The NHS Asperger Syndrome Diagnosis

A very caring contact arranged a posting back in my home Department and a few weeks later I was working once more.  I had no post, but was 'actively seeking one'.  A private diagnosis, via HR was also arranged. Bizarrely, both the NHS and Private ones coincided and I undertook both within a month of one another.

The NHS one was far simpler.  I brought along my husband for support and my Mother for background evidence of my strange childhood.  Now, it's fair to say that I don't really get on with my Mother as she's a very negative depressive person who fails to seek assistance in dealing with those particular conditions - she's also pretty certainly got full blown Asperger Syndrome or strong traits of it herself.  It took place in a medical centre near a pub which had some bad memories for me - basically, I hadn't wished to go to a relative's hen night and my Mother pretty much forced me to attend.  Anyway, the Doctor had a list of traits written down and asked me to elaborate on them, which I did.  My Mother was suitably vindictive whilst discussing my past, wrapping everything up in an 'unreasonable child' cocoon.  I burst into tears and was pretty upset.

The conclusion was, after about an hour and a half was that I had Asperger Syndrome.  I was pleased with the findings.

Post #2 - When You Know Something's Wrong, But You Cannot Prove It

Following on from my initial chat with the GP, I waited about four months to have a pre-assessment session with my local Mental Health Team.  This took place on a Thursday morning in the same satellite hospital my son was diagnosed in.  It was basically me, my husband and a social worker who had a series of set questions to ask me.  I'll admit it, I became very emotional throughout, especially when probed about my past history.  The concluding part was to complete the AQ test, you know, this one: http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/  I scored within the clinical range for ASD and was referred on towards a full diagnosis.  I was informed that adult aspies don't really have any support available and that it would take absolutely ages.  Fair enough, this is the NHS, they are overburdened to say the least.



My mental health suffered during the months which followed.  I told my brusque boss, who couldn't have given a flying fig about autism and thought that it was just an excuse for me to slack off.  I walked out of my job with stress, I couldn't stop crying - I'd had enough.  My GP was sympathetic and I was prescribed antidepressants - Setraline to be precise.  At home I recuperated, often walking around the garden listening to Radio 4's Desert Island Discs on podcast to block out any extraneous noise - Aspies hate such things.  On the advice of the GP I self-referred for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and had an introductory session.  It was interesting, but a whole load of the other delegates were mute and the others, well without breaking confidences, one was very aggressive towards me indeed when I posed a question about women feeling more guilt than men tend to.  Nice.

I returned to work a few weeks later, initially once a week.  Things were fine at first, but once I upped my hours once more, it began to slide.  The same problems arose: my performance was criticised and my self-esteem was at an all time low.  I walked out of the job once again a few months later, I'd had enough, I wanted to leave, permanently.  The GP signed me off once more and I was referred for counselling via the work programme.  I fell out with the first counsellor, some things just don't click.