Future Fakers

As regular readers will be aware, I'm a newbie when it comes to all things relating to online dating. I was with my late husband for twenty-four years and married for approximately twenty-two years and five months. I haven't been on a 'date' since the late 1990s and I wasn't particularly successful then.

I honestly don't know why I bothered. Maybe to get me over the 'hump' of the first anniversary?  Maybe. Anyway, I did start chatting with someone on Bumble back in early November 2024. He initially wanted to meet but the venue was unsuitable and he never offered again. We exchanged loads of X-rated photographs. He seemed legit. My due diligence didn't unearth anything bad.  

I went on other dates via Tinder. I have already written about these in earlier posts. This Mr Bumble guy was always in my thoughts. He promised that he'd move back and rent a house in my borough. The months went on and this never happened. There was no timeline for it ever to happen. I sometimes got pissed and called him out about it. He seemed understanding. My mates, however were rightfully skeptical.

It's now late February 2025 and no, before you ask, there wasn't one St Valentine's Day message from Mr Bumble. Nada. I explained my situation to an online dating forum which I'm a member of and apparently he's a Future Faker - ie a bit of a Catfish who offers a sparkling future which never happens.

On New Year's Eve 2024 I received a series of messages from Mr Bumble. They were totally bizarre. One said "don't write me off yet" another "I'd fantasised about us having a baby together ... it's the ultimate bond." plus "let [my current swain] meet my interim needs ..."

That's weird and hugely arrogant isn't it?  Anyway, after discovering that he had had free rent in my head for too long I blocked him. He blocked me right back. So that's that. What did he want? Explicit photos? That's low considering that I am a neurodiverse widow.

Of course, I've learnt loads. The only photos potential dates receive from me are of me donning my Primark Sesame Street Big Bird Onesie or Muppets oodie. Bloody hell, I feel totally idiotic.

Tinder Tales: Early 2025

In very late December 2024 I started chatting to a man on Tinder, let's call him Andy.  He seemed nice, although his dyslexia made understanding his written messages rather tricky for me.  We met up, it was very crowded in London that day, but I guided him through with my usual bossy manner!  I kissed him after we'd had a couple of drinks in a cosy pub, in retrospect I wish that I hadn't, but I can't turn back time.  He's a teacher so we saw one another every day in a very compressed manner  during the later Christmas holidays, which was pretty overwhelming.  I am still on the up cycle of my bipolar mania so I chat far too much and let's be honest, I blather on, he was more taciturn.  Andy was  howerver, a bit full on when it came to personal displays of affection or PDAs as the Gen Y and Z are wont to call them.  Personally, I'm no fan of being snogged in the Natural History Museum.  Queen Victoria would not have been amused.  

Term began - Andy lives in south-west London and I'm in south-east; there's a twenty mile distance separating us.  I don't drive and he doesn't own a car.  His job roots him in south-west London too and it's a fixed location, a school, so there's no possiblity of him working flexibly at home.  I did question whether we'd see much of one another because he filled every single one of his weekdays with a different activity and he spent the majority of his weekends supervising school athletics.  Very soon I started to feel extremely lonely and pondered why I even was bothering at all.  I attended the Lesnes Abbey Wassail alone, although I did schlepp over to south-west London to see him the next day.  I also attended a library lecture alone - he came later and stayed for the weekend.  He was always staring at me calling me "wonderful" and "beautiful", talking of a life we'd share together.  This was pretty scary considering that I'd just emerged from a twenty-two-year marriage and I'm only forty-nine at the moment.  He was sixty.  

The second year of grief seems to be hitting me the hardest and I'm really struggling with low mood and anger.  One Wednesday evening I'd walked out of the walk-in (ironic) Cruse bereavement group session because one of the members was dominating so much that I couldn't get a word in edgeways to talk about the anniversary of my late husband's death.  I tried ringing Andy but got no answer.  I then, in a fit of rage, said that he was dumped.  Apparently he'd fallen asleep (due to the fact that he's getting on a bit, out of shape and his body cannot cope with the demands he's placing on it.)

We made up but I was always furious.  In fact, I was the girlfriend from hell - constantly sending snarky horrible WhatsApps and then deleting some, but not all - many, unfortunately got through. Romantic relationships with men seem to make me crazy, especially sexual ones and I'll have to address exactly why this is.  When we were together I constantly dug him out because, quite frankly, he wasn't what I wanted.  He was lacking a sense of humour and mine's very developed.  I missed my husband Bob's natural London wit so much, in fact, being with Andy made me feel the loss of Bob much more acutely.  

Andy refused point blank to attend my forthcoming choir concert in late March because he was visiting his mother up in north Yorkshire.  He wouldn't change the date.  Apparently he told his mother last week about our relationship but she sounded like she couldn't care less - we nearly split up there and then because I suffer from extremely low self-esteem and I don't see why I would be a disappointment to any in-law?  Andy also refused to ever contemplate travelling to the USA because of Trump; I'd love to go and I shall, one day.  Sod Trump!

Last night, after hearing nothing from him all day, Andy phoned me to break up with me.  I was literally sobbing down the phone, pleading with him to talk about it.  He said that "he couldn't give me what I wanted." which was true, but if that was the case, why was he even contemplating a romantic relationship with a woman on Tinder anyway?  He clearly doesn't have the time.  My friends were all very sweet, many had listened to me talking about how badly the relationship was going and whether Andy was actually the "nice guy" that he seemed?  My cat had the measure of him anyway - she pissed all over the bed once when he was staying over - smart girl!  

So: no more Tinder dates for a few months; my account is on hiatus - I lied, I hadn't completely deleted the one I met Andy on.  I need to work on myself though and forge through this enormous cloud of grief.  Getting a job will help restore some of my self-esteem which is literally on the floor at the moment.  Nobody likes being dumped, it feels shit, but quite frankly, it's a blessing in disguise really as there are genuine blokes out there.

[Edited 24/2/25 - to delete any reference to the Future Faker, aka Mr Bumble.]

Anger and Grief

I celebrated the first anniversary of Bob's death on New Year's Day 2025 and it's hard to really understand just how angry I am. The main issue is that, a year on, I can't get a job. I mean, I've had some crappy ones during 2024, including the Care Home one which ended in an ACAS conciliation case. 

My Vanquished Nemesis

When I was nineteen I used to work for the Metropolitan Police civil staff up in New Scotland Yard. Back in late 1994 they employed 150 staff to undertake back record conversion in the criminal records office. This is where I first met Mr Greenwich/Bromley borough - let's refer to him as Mr GB. He was twenty-two and a recent BEng graduate in aeronautic engineering (second class honours if you're interested?). He had a girlfriend though, whom he met whilst working part-time in a south-east London branch of Sainsbury's.

We were friends for ages. Eventually his relationship ended. I asked him out for a drink. He agreed and he picked me up in his blue Ford Escort. To put it bluntly, it was quite a physical Sunday afternoon and that particular model has quite a small cubic capacity. He stated that he "didn't want a girlfriend." We didn't have a second date. I then found out that he was stepping out with a female member of his friendship group and they'd got together whilst holidaying abroad. So, he'd basically lied and used me.  I called him out on it and we fell out.

Let's fast forward to the late 1990s. We still work for the Met. He's now living part-time with his girlfriend in central London. There's a leaving do, we both get hammered. He walked me back to Charing Cross Station. We got off with one another. At work on Monday I couldn't look at him in the face, an incident which he shouted right back at me in 2012. His words were: "I was in love with you but you couldn't even look at me!?"

For better or worse I become this guy's side piece during the late 1990s. It makes me feel totally worthless. He once said "if you get pregnant, I want you to have an abortion." My friends despised him. In March 2000 I met the man who would later become my husband. He told me never to meet Mr GB again. I agreed. 

As the years went on I blocked and unlocked Mr GB. Even when I moved back to south-east London from south-west we didn't see one another. He was always there, waiting to pounce. We kept in touch though. He left the Met, gained a MSc in IT and ended up working for a bank. He started coining it in. This is where he met his future wife, whom he married in 2006. They went on to have three children. He had a dalliance with a much younger woman at some strange, he split with his wife, but they soon reconciled - well, the family house was worth a cool £1.2m.

I once met him for a drink. Things happened. I regretted it immediately. My marriage was sexually barren. He wanted more - it was just physical though. When I challenged him I got shouted at: "we were never in a relationship! You're merely a friend I've known for nearly thirty years!" I was once arguing with him on WhatsApp in September 2022 whilst on one of my mental health online sessions and I'd forgotten to mute my mike. Apparently I'd been sobbing hysterically. 

When my husband died I unblocked him. Mr BG was kind. Well, in a manipulative way. He wanted to videochat and by that, I mean ask me to strip. His idea was that he'd be able to 'help out' and provide me, advising widow, with sexual services in my own home.  The very place my husband had dropped down dead in. Like I said, he's a thoughtful guy. I admonished and blocked him.

One Sunday afternoon I got pissed. I was so angry that I told his wife all about it. I bizarrely did this via LinkedIn's messaging platform. Cue me blocking his number and then receiving messages from her, him - the whole shebang. He threatened me on the messaging system, which I duly blocked. He then sent a letter to my home address stating that he had to physically restrain his wife from driving over to my house. My son was terrified so the school's Safeguarding team were duly informed. The heartbreaking thing was that my son thought that this man was his biological father. He wasn't, he's my husband's child.

The contents of the letter blamed me for splitting up his young family, I'd be  named in the divorce papers and stared that he knew where my parents lived and had evidence of my 'affairs' with two of my male colleagues. He then told me that it was illegal to share any intimate images of himself with his wife/others [due to the fact that my marriage was physically moribund, we'd exchanged photographs] I contacted the Police. After a bit of chasing, a PC contacted me and then duly spoke to Mr BG. I was assured that if Mr BG ever put any of the photos I'd sent him into the public domain that it was an offence.

A year has now gone by. According to Companies House they're still together. How nice for them - I wish them the best. 

Sex and Grief

There's a phenomenon called 'widow's fire' which means, in layman's terms that the sudden death of one's spouse makes the widow or widower feel incredibly sexual. It's normal. I've been under Its clutches for at least the last six weeks or so.

Sex equals guilt for me. My Mother is puritannical, thus it was referenced at home but her moral lectures as the late Mr L used to call them were frequent and oh so cutting. Apparently 'women dropping their drawers' was the crime of the century as was fornicating in her house (if piles of crap and stacks of  ten Fray Bentos pies turn you on then you're in luck.) Kinky. As Mr L said, whilst a bit drunk "she hardly held herself back when she was servicing that American Airman in the late 1960s." Naughty old Mother.

I'll be completely honest and say that my intimate life has been very dull for a number of years. I guess that it's par for the course when one marries another civil servant, especially one fifteen years your senior?  Personally, I always relished the juxtaposition between the boredom and technicality of meetings with the absolute filth fest which was going on in my mind. Edging was one: that's that delicious gap between the build up and the climax of an orgasm. The best orgasms are always achieved solo I have found; if I leave it for two or so weeks the release is unbelievable - so many deep contractions. Utter bliss.

Today marks the first anniversary - he fell down dead in the sitting room at noonish. Master L, sixteen at the time, was there too. There were no ambulances available as it was New Year's Day. He had no pulse. He was stiff and his body, grey. 

I miss him every day, but things change. I feel an awful sense of guilt, but he's never coming back, is he?  If he did it would be the ultimate prank. Mind you, I wouldn't put it past him. Git. 

Bob - I will always love you.