Post #27: Depression, Medication and Masking

When I write the term 'Behind The Mask' it puts me in mind of the 1980s song by guitar superhero Eric 'Slowhand' Clapton. There's an excellent lecture on the contents of the aforementioned rock star's bookcase which I once saw performed at one of the Boring Conferences, but seriously though ....

Masking is no joke: the act of hiding one's autistic traits is difficult, tiring and ultimately destructive. I can no longer do it: ergo I cannot function in certain atmospheres. "Why should you?" You may ask? "People are more aware of autism these days?" Well, they're not, they're really not.

I've been on antidepressants for the past eighteen months now: initially on Setraline, but that made me far too weary. Six months in my GP switched me to Fluoxitine; I take 40mg daily, but over the summer tried to reduce it to 20mg. On medical advice I'm back to 40mg.

Post #26 - What Does That Even Mean?

I find that many of the issues surrounding being an Aspie stem from miscommunication and misunderstanding.  Yesterday I received this email from the head of my choir and have cut and pasted this bizarre sentence from it:

The concert is a "bring your own food and drink (booze)" to drink and eat during the concert - the tickets are on the door and are going to be £8 for adults and £5 for concessions. 

Eh?  Does that mean I have to bring a sports bag full of wine and mince pies?  Will we all be munching throughout the performance and spitting crumbs at one another?  Like many things in life - je ne comprehend pas.

Post #25 - A (Working) Day In The Life (Of An Aspie) - The Afternoon: Part Two

So, it's nearing home time.  Pretty much always I'll leave the office at 16:58, well unless there's anything urgent pressing, but I have my trusty work laptop with me in my heavy bag, which since the change from rucksack to laptop/messenger bag, has been killing my shoulder.  I'll walk back to the mainline station - a different one to the one I arrived on this morning (such is the wonder of London connections!)  It's a busy and very touristy area, so there are always crowds blocking my path or taking impromptu snaps of famous landmarks.  The one thing I can't fathom is why there are always so many people hanging around drinking on the pavement outside pubs?  I mean, I'm more than aware that the smoking ban has forced people out in the open air, but surely paying £5 for a pint of lager and having to sup it in the discomfort of the street isn't much fun, is it?



I dislike bicycles who fail to stop at pedestrian crossings too - it's one of my biggest bugbears.  Please obey the road safety laws and stop scaring people trying to cross the road.



I like to arrive at the terminus early and find a spot near a side barrier to stop people crashing into me whilst they're running for their trains.  Once the train appears on the destination board then it's a scramble for the platform.  I like to sit in the two-seat spaces as there's nobody in front of you and my legs can be stretched out accordingly.  Once I had a guy with a bag of fish sat in front of me who wouldn't budge at all.  My journey sometimes takes up to forty minutes to complete, so my legs were stiff by the end of it.

I arrive at my station and walk back home.  

Post #24 - A (Working) Day In The Life (Of An Aspie) - The Afternoon: Part One

After lunch it's usually straight into another meeting.  If they're small, then so much the better.  In the past I've had team meetings during this period and depending whom I'm working with or for, they're either good or bad.  I used to detest the ones which went around the delegates and asked them what they were working on - whatever I tended to say wasn't quite good enough.

Sometimes I'll have a terrible post postprandial dip at about 14:30 and will struggle to keep my eyes open.  It often depends what antidepressant I'm on and whether there's any natural light streaming into the room. PowerPoint presentations are the worst - have you ever heard of the term 'Death By PowerPoint?' Well, I feel like these images below and don't even get me started on people who ask questions following a two hour presentation.....

Post #23 - A (Working) Day In The Life (Of An Aspie) - The Morning: Part Two

Now, I like 1:1 meetings with people I know - they're rarely a surprise and I'm much more effective in controlled environments.  Most of my interactions aren't like that though.  In the main office I keep getting distracted, I cannot help it.  I don't like distracting others, work has changed over the last five or so years and not for the better.  I cannot tell what others are thinking or trying to imply - it's almost impossible for me.  The place where I work employs some, well, let's just say - colourful characters and as a result, it's doubly hard for me to cope with them.



These are some of the things I cannot bear as a result of being in an office environment:

• Somebody banging their keyboard like they're squashing an army of invisible ants
• Broken equipment being dumped on my desk during whilst I'm not there
• Sudden shouts and hollering at the monitor
• Unplugged wiring
• A constant untreated hacking cough (I don't just mean somebody with a cold - worse than that..
• People holding a conversation over my head
• Hot food/fish sandwiches etc

That said, I acknowledge that I can also be annoying too, by doing these things:

• Sudden shrieking bursts of unexplained laughter
• Inability to moderate my volume
• Odd or eccentric conversations/pieces of trivia
• Non sequiturs 

I like to get out and about at lunchtime - sometimes I'll do a circuit around the lake of a nearby park, but otherwise I'll leave the building and to ensure that I gain at least ten to fifteen minutes' worth of activity.  If I don't do this it means that there's no specific division between morning and afternoon and in the autumn and winter months humans need light and air, even if it is of the central London kind!

I return to the office and eat my lunch - it's almost always of a packed variety - sandwiches, crisps, fruit etc.  I have a hiatus hernia which has been exacerbated by weight and this often causes painful digestive problems if I'm stressed out.  Last week I passed another team who are located further up the corridor and they were all seated and consuming a fish and chip lunch - it smelt very strongly indeed.

Post #22 - A (Working) Day In The Life (Of An Aspie) - The Morning: Part One

If people don't really understand how it feels like to be a working person with Asperger Syndrome combined with depression, I hope that these series of posts helps. I've split them into four because it's much easier to read and certainly less boring!  It's hard, it's so darn hard and I'm slowly becoming housebound as a result, but writing about my issues makes it much more cathartic.

It's a work day, I know this because I will have woken extremely early and lain in bed, the duvet clamped around me, like an oversized sausage roll. At 7:30 I'll get into the shower and wash, because nobody, I repeat nobody, wants a stinky colleague do they?  Teeth, make-up and dress - downstairs, coffee and breakfast. Usually my son is downstairs playing obscure YouTube videos on his pad - being autistic too, he's usually favouring something obscure, such as a series of the quiz Fifteen to One dating back to 1988.




At 8:12 precisely I'll leave the house and walk the thirteen minute journey to the station. I'll pass all of the parked cars which clog up my road because their owners are too mean to pay for the station car park.  En route, I'll try to avoid walking behind someone smoking a cigarette or in front of anyone with clacking heels - it's a sensory thing and it bothers me, although it wouldn't concern the vast majority of the population.

Arriving at the station I always stand in the most suitable space to be directly in front of the last carriage of eight's rear doors. I like to sit in the exact middle of the car, which is the facing window seat of the middle bank of the six seat set. This normally means that I'll not have to sit directly beside or opposite anyone and as my journey concludes at the London terminus, I'm not getting in anyone's way.  I'll listen to a podcast or an audiobook and if all else fails, I'll flick through a copy of the Metro.



The area I work in has been a gigantic building site for ages now and it's a really unpleasant environment as a result.  There are huge wire barricades here, there and everywhere and everybody's so pushy.  I follow the stream of commuter traffic along the road and then approach my building.  I used to be able to climb up to my floor, but my fitness level has decreased over the past year.

When I arrive at my allotted desk, I worry whether someone else may be sitting there.  It's situated in the middle of the work area away from any windows.  The desk I sit on is smaller than the standard work area and this means if anybody sits next to me that they'll be far too close and my whole left side will tense up as a result.  Considering all of this has happened prior to me even logging on, what hope is there for me as an employee?

I'm part-time and a flexible worker.  Does this mean that my immediate colleagues believe that I'm a lazy slacker as a result?